The blog, of 003.

Here it is, 2:50am on the 15th of January. I’m oddly enough awake, my mind dwelling on a single thing. For the past day I’ve been thinking about it off and on, yet it seems to grow even more prevalent in my mind as more time passes.
What is this thing? Surprisingly, a girl. A girl I’ve only talked to twice, both through text. I’ve seen 3 pictures of her, she’s no supermodel, yet, to my eyes, there’s an intense beauty to her. Yet the odd thing is, whenever I’ve thought of her, the image of carnal relations have never followed. The thought of sex with her just, hasn’t popped into my head. Instead, I have images of us walking in parks holding hands, smiling and kissing, even a brief flash of her in a white wedding dress!
The feelings I seem to have for her are purely shocking! I’ve always had a dream that I would one day fall in love, yet never knew how I’d realize I was, and honestly still don’t know if I am. I’ve never felt this way about any other girl before though. The first time we talked, on the 13th, was for a few hours through AIM after getting her AIM through a website meant to just ask people questions. I first came across that site through mystery Google and her account there specifically. I signed up to the site, and chatted with her on there a bit. At that point, it was nothing overly special, I just figured it’d be someone interesting to chat with for a bit, probably would lose contact with her within a week.
Instead, by the time we parted around 1:30am on the 14th, I found myself deeply regretting that she was going to bed. I wanted her to stay and talk to me. I obviously didn’t say anything; after all it was 1:30am! Instead I went to bed myself, thinking of her. I woke up later, and monitored AIM all day, just eagerly waiting for her to get back on. I just wanted to talk to her again! Every email I got my heart leapt with hope thinking it might be from her, even though none were.
Yet around 8:30 when she finally got on, the feeling hadn’t diminished, in fact it grew more intense. Sadly she was going to a friends for the weekend and was only on for about 40 minutes, which just seemed far too short of a time! The whole time I just wanted to sit there and talk to her, I didn’t want her to leave! I feel when she did I probably made a fool of myself by rushing to make sure she had both my phone number and my email, and since have mildly worried about it thinking that perhaps this might have freaked her out a bit. Though I dearly hope it didn’t!
Even now, despite it being 3am, and the logical part of my brain telling me I shouldn’t hope to hear from her again until later in the day on Friday, I sit here with my Gmail account open, and my phone a short distance away, just in case she decides to try to get in touch with me.
Yet, still, I hardly know her, so, how can I feel this way? If it were lust, wouldn’t the visions in my head primarily concern us in carnal acts? Yet, they’re the furthest from my mind. At no point today did my hormones even reach a level that made me fantasize about any woman and myself in those acts. Which is very rare, I may not act upon most of those occasions, but the fact is if I’m honest with myself, that I usually have the imagery in my head at some point. Yet not today.
So what is this feeling? Why is it that my heart seems to both beat faster, yet slower whenever I think of her? Why is it that I had an image of us laying in a bed together, just resting, my arm around her, both of us fully clothed, just, there, as naturally as I go to sleep on my own every night? Not only that, but why did that image force a smile onto my face for a long period of time after having it, even now, thinking of it again I cannot help but smile!
Yet more proof, here I am, at 3 in the morning, when I’m usually fast asleep, typing on my laptop, trying to get these thoughts out on paper! Or at least some more permanent means of writing.
Is it love? I truly don’t know. The feeling has me baffled! I honestly can’t explain WHAT I’m feeling to anyone. Yet using the word love to describe it just feels….right I suppose. I figure it doesn’t make any sense, yet, I…I just don’t know. I’m honestly completely baffled. Any other time I’ve felt something, I’ve been able to easily explain it away, or search the internet to find some description for it. Yet, this, I can’t qualify what exactly it is I’m feeling, so how can I find out what it is? I’m not even sure I WAN’T to find out that it’s something else, as nothing else could feel as right as this does.
I’m so puzzled! Usually when I sit and pound away at keys, it’s when something has me, at the very least, annoyed. Anything that makes me feel any positive emotions tends to be brief, and I let it speak for itself. Yet this? This has me writing continuously.

I think I’m in love.

I’ve never felt happier.

I want to post this where anyone can read it, and think I will. I think my friends will understand, and if they don’t, I don’t care. I really just don’t care. If anyone else finds this funny or sappy, let them laugh, I think I might actually pity them for not feeling what I feel now. Yes, I will post this, exactly as it’s written on my blog, and hope she reads it. I just hope she feels even a small amount of what I feel.

This entry was posted on Friday, January 15th, 2010 at 4:18 am and is filed under Brittany.You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.